squirrels · Uncategorized

X Marks the Spot

This is my entry for Evil’s Squirrel’s Eight Annual Contest of Whatever. The theme this year is X. I wrote this silly story to explain the unusually large number of clueless, helpless squirrels hanging around this winter.  

“Okay, listen up kids!” shouted Nutsy, the very exasperated mother squirrel. She stood in the clearing with two other mothers, Tipsy and Thumper, and eight young squirrels that were just a swarming mass of movement.

Only one of the young squirrels stopped and looked toward the moms, then went back to chewing on a twig.

The three mothers exchanged grim looks.

Tipsy shook her head. “I got this,” she said. She ran up onto a tree branch and started squawking, while violently flicking her tail back and forth. One by one, the young squirrels stopped and looked up at her.

“Now that we have your attention, we have a very special announcement, “said Tipsy. “You’re all going on a treasure hunt!” she said in an overly cheerful voice.

“We’ve hidden clues for you and at the end is a big surprise!” said Thumper.

“All you have to do is find the big X and dig underneath. The next clue will tell you what to do,” said Nutsy.

Five pairs of eyes with vacant stares looked back at the moms. One squirrel had wandered off to tear leaves off a shrub. Another squirrel chewed on its own leg. Another chomped on a small rock.

“God, they’re dumb,” muttered Tipsy.

“So dumb,” agreed Thumper.

“An X, like this,” shouted Nutsy. She crossed her paws into an X. “Now go! Find the X!”

The moms watched as the young squirrels ran back and forth across the clearing, then finally out of sight.

“Come on, let’s go,” said Nutsy. She and Tipsy turned to leave the clearing. “You coming, Thumper?”

Thumper turned to them with a tear in her eye. “Do you think we should have stayed with them a little longer? Just a couple more weeks?”

“Your kid just tried to eat a rock. Do you really think another couple of weeks would help? I’ve raised eight litters of squirrels and never have I seen a bunch of squirrels this dumb,” said Nutsy.

“We’ve talked about this, Thumper. They’re hopeless,” said Tipsy. “Besides, do you want to deal with them during the last few weeks before your next litter?”

Thumper thought for a moment. “Hell no, let’s go!” she said.  She ran out of the clearing with Nutsy and Tipsy following behind.

“Did you actually leave clues at the X?” Tipsy asked Nutsy.

“Are you kidding? Once those morons find the stash of peanuts I buried, they’ll forget all about the treasure hunt. Hell, half of them probably won’t even find their way home at the end of the day!” said Nutsy.

Meanwhile, in the Pearson’s backyard….

 

At the end of the day, five squirrels made it back to their clearing.

“Mom?” their pitiful cries echoed through the empty clearing.

The next day eight clueless, lost squirrels showed up on the deck with the X and they’ve been hanging around,  looking clueless and lost ever since. 

The Eighth Annual Contest Of Whatever! | Evil Squirrel’s Nest

 

 

 

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squirrels

Two Kinds of Squirrels

This, maybe, if I’m not too late, is my entry to Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever.

“Aw, nuts!” Skippy the Squirrel screeched as he stared at the remains of his nest laying in the middle of the road.

Skippy had already had a rough morning.

He’d been chased away from the feeder by the Mutant Monster that had been terrorizing all the gray squirrels in the neighborhood.

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The Mutant Monster, aka Little Red

He’d been chased away from his stash by that grumpy Stellar’s Jay with the dangly wing.

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And now this!

“Uh, oh! What have we here?”

Skippy jumped as Whitey bounded out of the underbrush and stopped to stare at Skippy’s nest.

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Whitey, who now has even more white than shown here

“Uh, just some wind damage,” Skippy said.

“Wind?” Whitey said, looking around at the calm day.

“Yeah, didn’t you hear that rogue gust? It was crazy. Came out of nowhere!” Skippy said. “But no big deal. I’ll just haul my nest back up into the tree and it will be good as new.”

THUMP, THUMP! – A car ran over Skippy’s nest, smashing it to bits.

“Awwww, nuts! What else can go wrong?” Skippy wailed.

Whitey gasped. “Skippy, you must never, ever ask that question! Hasn’t anyone told you about Murphy’s Law, that whatever can go wrong will go wrong? Everyone knows the sure fire way to activate Murphy’s Law is to ask what else can go wrong.”

“What? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Skippy said.

“It’s true,” Whitey said. “It happened to me. I got chomped on by the Black and White Menace and I asked what else could go wrong and a car ran over the end of my tail the very same day!”

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The Black and White Menace, aka Gary

“Do you think maybe your tail got run over because you were standing in the road?” Skippy asked, looking pointedly to where Whitey still stood frozen in the road.

“I don’t see what that could have to do with it. It was Murphy’s Law, plain and simple!” said Whitey. He gave Skippy a dirty look before hopping across the road and disappearing into the bushes.

Skippy shook his head and decided to put some distance between himself and the fallen, broken nest. It wouldn’t do to have everyone know he’d done such a lousy job of building his nest that it had come crashing down on such a calm day. There were two kinds of squirrels in the world – Sensible Squirrels and Screwball Squirrels and Skippy did not want to be labeled a Screwball Squirrel. Screwball Squirrels did things like:

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Skippy hopped into the Pearson’s front yard where he’d buried a stash of peanuts under a patch of moss a few days ago. He lifted the edge of the patch of moss. No nuts.

“Aw, nuts!” said Skippy.

“Hey, Skippy!” A voice said.

Skippy looked around and saw Claire’s head peeking out from the Pearson’s garbage can.

“I found some nachos. Do you want to try some?” Claire asked.

Skippy hesitated. Claire was very, very cute.

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And Skippy was very, very hungry. But Sensible Squirrels didn’t root around in garbage cans like nasty old raccoons.

“Come on, Skippy! This stuff is great,” Claire said.

Skippy looked around. There were no other squirrels in sight, so he headed over to the garbage can. What could a few nibbles of garbage possibly hurt?

“Owww!” Skippy yelped as the garbage can lid banged down on his toes.

“Oh, sorry,” Claire said. “The lid slipped right out of my paws.”

“Awwww, nuts!” Skippy exclaimed as he looked at the broken nails on his front paws. How was he supposed to climb trees with broken toe nails? He shot Claire a dirty look and hopped away.

Now what? He was starving and he needed food for energy to build a new nest. Maybe the Mutant Monster wouldn’t see him down at the swing feeder. He ducked under the fence and crossed the back yard.

When he reached the swing feeder, he thought his luck was finally turning. There was no one around. But how to get up there with broken nails? To his suprise, he scrambled right up the birch tree. The rough bark was easy enough to hold on to, even with broken nails.

But then he couldn’t hang on to the feeder. It tipped and he scrambled and it tipped again and he scrambled some more until suddenly he was hanging on tight. Only…

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He was upside down. But it actually worked. He had both front paws free to stuff his face and the feeder didn’t tip like it did when he tried to sit in it.

“This is great!” He thought as he chowed down on handfuls of seed. “I’ve found a better way to use this feeder.”

Then he heard laughter. He looked around…

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and felt his blood go cold. There were at least six squirrels watching him. Some were laughing. Some were shaking their heads in disgust. One was his mom and she did not look amused.

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Um…don’t look too closely for evidence of this grumpy “mom’s” gender….

“Oh, Skippy. I really hoped you wouldn’t turn out to be a Screwball like your father but just look at you!”

“Awww, nuts!” said Skippy the Screwball Squirrel.