This is my entry for Evil’s Squirrel’s Eight Annual Contest of Whatever. The theme this year is X. I wrote this silly story to explain the unusually large number of clueless, helpless squirrels hanging around this winter.
“Okay, listen up kids!” shouted Nutsy, the very exasperated mother squirrel. She stood in the clearing with two other mothers, Tipsy and Thumper, and eight young squirrels that were just a swarming mass of movement.
Only one of the young squirrels stopped and looked toward the moms, then went back to chewing on a twig.
The three mothers exchanged grim looks.
Tipsy shook her head. “I got this,” she said. She ran up onto a tree branch and started squawking, while violently flicking her tail back and forth. One by one, the young squirrels stopped and looked up at her.
“Now that we have your attention, we have a very special announcement, “said Tipsy. “You’re all going on a treasure hunt!” she said in an overly cheerful voice.
“We’ve hidden clues for you and at the end is a big surprise!” said Thumper.
“All you have to do is find the big X and dig underneath. The next clue will tell you what to do,” said Nutsy.
Five pairs of eyes with vacant stares looked back at the moms. One squirrel had wandered off to tear leaves off a shrub. Another squirrel chewed on its own leg. Another chomped on a small rock.
“God, they’re dumb,” muttered Tipsy.
“So dumb,” agreed Thumper.
“An X, like this,” shouted Nutsy. She crossed her paws into an X. “Now go! Find the X!”
The moms watched as the young squirrels ran back and forth across the clearing, then finally out of sight.
“Come on, let’s go,” said Nutsy. She and Tipsy turned to leave the clearing. “You coming, Thumper?”
Thumper turned to them with a tear in her eye. “Do you think we should have stayed with them a little longer? Just a couple more weeks?”
“Your kid just tried to eat a rock. Do you really think another couple of weeks would help? I’ve raised eight litters of squirrels and never have I seen a bunch of squirrels this dumb,” said Nutsy.
“We’ve talked about this, Thumper. They’re hopeless,” said Tipsy. “Besides, do you want to deal with them during the last few weeks before your next litter?”
Thumper thought for a moment. “Hell no, let’s go!” she said. She ran out of the clearing with Nutsy and Tipsy following behind.
“Did you actually leave clues at the X?” Tipsy asked Nutsy.
“Are you kidding? Once those morons find the stash of peanuts I buried, they’ll forget all about the treasure hunt. Hell, half of them probably won’t even find their way home at the end of the day!” said Nutsy.
Meanwhile, in the Pearson’s backyard….
At the end of the day, five squirrels made it back to their clearing.
“Mom?” their pitiful cries echoed through the empty clearing.
The next day eight clueless, lost squirrels showed up on the deck with the X and they’ve been hanging around, looking clueless and lost ever since.